Jokes
Aplenty.
Income tax.
Taxed to the Max.
Tax his head tax his hide,
Let the government
officials ride
Tax his horse and tax his ass,
Tax his house_Tax his land
Tax the blisters on his hands
Tax his ford and tax his gas,
Tax the road that he must pass
Tax the payroll tax the sale
Tax his hard earned paper kale
Tax his pipe and tax his smoke
Teach him government is no joke
Tax the water tax the air
Tax the living tax the dead
Tax the unborn ere there fed
Tax the coffins-tax their shrouds
Tax the souls beyond the clouds
Tax them all and tax them well
Tax them to the gates of hell.
Tools to do the job.
A womans car broke down on the highway, so the driver eases over to the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the car where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to the
traffic. Not surprisingly, one of the worst traffic tie ups occurs.
Its not very long before a police car shows up. the cop, clearly enraged, runs towards the lady of the disabled vehicle yellin at her ,"what the hell is going on here?" "My car broke down," says the lady, calmly. "Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" "These are my flashers!" replied the woman indignantly.
A man in a bar has a couple of beers and the bartender tells him
he owes $4.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "if you said you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees
that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers
have paid.
The second man then ruses in, orders a beer and later pulls the
same stunt. The barkeeper replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take
your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and
tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar
and begins to drink highballs when suddenly, the bartender leans
over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here
tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both
claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to
get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds.
"Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so."
-- Douglas Adams
"We'll burn that bridge when we come to it."
If a man speaks in the forest, and there's no woman around to hear
him... Is he still wrong?
- Unknown
"It's getting late earlier"
-Y. Berra
From Mafia vs. Ninja:
"You talk too much, let's fight."
One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr
has been burned
at the stake while the votes were being counted. -- Thomas B. Reed
"Nobody goes there anymore...it's too crowded."
Yogi Berra
Great men talk about ideas;
Mediocre men talk about things;
Small men talk about people.
- Admiral Hyman Rickover
"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other
invention in human history, with the possible exception of
handguns and tequila."
- Mitch Radcliffe
A piece from Douglas Adams' Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy:
When the Deep Thought computer was about to compute the Answer to Life,
the Universe and Everything (later found to be "42"), representatives of
the National Union of Philosophers, Luminaries and other Thinking Persons"
demanded that it stop... or else there would be a national philosophers'
strike.
Deep Thought responded: "And whom would that inconvenience?"
I cannot articulate enough to express my dislike
to people who think
that understanding spoils your experience...
How would they know?
- Marvin Minsky
There are two types of people in this world,
good and bad. The good
sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the
waking hours much more.
-- Woody Allen
>
Sherlock Holmes
and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a
bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to
sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his
faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell
me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions
and millions of stars." "What does that
tell you?," enquired Holmes. Watson pondered for a
minute, and said "Astronomically, it tells me that
there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of
planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a
quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is
all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell
you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then
spoke. "Watson, you dickhead. Some bastard has stolen
our tent." Kate
Plane, Rainham, Essex
An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle
of forty-year old Scotch.
The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year
Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy
downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically
asked for forty-year old Scotch."
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and
pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy
drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old
Scotch."
So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year
old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around
the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the
guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for
forty-year old Scotch.
The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a
bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the
bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is
forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.
An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full
shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this."
The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow.
Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor.
"My God! That tastes like piss," he yells.
"Now guess how old am I?"
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a
flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a
fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy
and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you
dont know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa." Again,
she declines
and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you dont know
the answer
you pay me $5.00, and if I dont know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to
the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "Whats the distance from the
earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesnt say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out
a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer,
"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four
legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and
searches all his references, no answer.
He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and
the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends
Emails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some
more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the
blonde and asks, "Well, whats the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"
Marie's funeral is a sad one as she goes to join her departed husband. Standing near the casket, a mourner keeps repeating, "At last they're together. At last they're together."
A mourner whispers, "Why are you making such a tumult? She was a tramp even when Nick was alive. What's with this nonsense...at last they're together!"
The first mourner responds, "I'm talking about her LEGS! At last they're together
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodka."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife!"
Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?
I'm an imbecile and I vote
Money Isn't Everything... But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
100,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest?
Grow your own dope, plant a man
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
All men are idiots...I married their king.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs
Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill it
We are born naked, wet, and hungry....Then things get worse.
A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs.
She went downstairs and looked all around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing.
"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.
"Remember when your father caught us fooling around when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember, he said, I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."
Baffled, she said, "yes, I remember. So?"
"Well...I would have gotten out today!"
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.
He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
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